Leeshi.....

....is unhappy everytime she comes back to Brunei.

Predictable, but I still dont know how to change things.
So what do I do? I smile and joke until I couldnt take it anymore, then I explode. Typical!

Dr A is so right. He frequently say things that makes me go "really???", and he always turn out to be right. One of them is "insight does not equal change, so insight is not enough". 6 weeks of psychiatry, I've learned a lot. From my experience with my patients, I know he's right. But I didnt know how right he is until I experience it myself!!
I've recognised what is making me unhappy. I know what to do to change, but I always take the easy way out (=not do anything/ avoid). Everytime I tell myself "sabar sabar", adding to my stress tank. Add add add, then when it's full, I explode.
I know it! But I just do not have the courage to stand up for myself.

When people push me, bully me, make me do things I dont wanna do, I never know how to convey my thoughts and feelings. I'm not stupid, but a lot of the time I just dont wanna upset other people. So I do things against my will, my feeling, my moral.

Blogging is a good way to release stress, because here I can be assertive. I can say what I feel, what I want. But in real life, it's just easier to shut up, swallow my own feelings and make other people happy.

A quick warning. One of the things that recently make me lost my temper is people laughing at me by pretending to be caring. It's ok to tell me I've gained weight. Just dont try to be smart or funny about it. I've heard enough. I'm not blind. I'm not deaf. This is my life. You dont understand what I'm going through. My weight is the least of my problem at the moment.
Dont be surprised if I ignore you. That's when I mentally tell myself to "sabar sabar".

boo~

I'm now in Brunei! (D'oh~)
Because of the H1N1 flu thing, I'm to self-quarantine for a week. This leaves only 1 week left for my 2-weeks neurology elective! Minus the holiday for His Majesty's birthday - only 4 days ler~

So I emailed the admin and Dr McLaughlin has agreed that I take these 2 weeks as holiday (muahaha) but I'll have to replace it before graduation (cry cry).

I'll start my neurosurgery elective on July 20th. Woo-hoo~ I'm looking forward to 2 weeks of awesome surgeries!

I've fb-mailed a number of friends about when to meet/hang out, bla bla, things that we talked about before I returned to Brunei. But the moment I'm in Brunei, everyone has other things to do. Wah.

All talk, no action eh.
I really dislike people like this.

The thing is I know that they dont do it on purpose, so I dont really blame them. It's almost part of Brunei culture already to say "let's hang out but I dont really mean it". Maybe I take friendships too seriously.

I'm sick and tired of having to call/sms and arrange outings that has to be postponed numerous times until finally they reluctantly meet me. BUT if I dont call/sms them, they will say "aiya~ why didnt contact me when you're back in brunei?"
Isnt that most kns????
Guess what. I might forgive, but I never forget. It only make me reluctant to maintain the so-called friendships.

Anyway, boo those people. And the same to people who dont keep promises.

----

I went to cut/straighten my hair yesterday. From 1030 to 6pm. Sit until my butt numb. Super hungry also. Next time I'll bring food.
People often asked me why I never change my hairstyle. Well, when you've found something you like, why change, right?

I'm so bored eh. I hate holidays like this. No plans. I feel like I'm wasting my time.
Well, tomorrow watching movie with V. Saturday maybe go see dentist, then Sunday go miri.

What am I going to do next week? I wanna do/learn something that can be done in one week. I've been thinking maybe a new dance, a new song with guitar, traditional chinese drawing, learn to swim (so can take diving license) - but nothing appeals eh.

July 02, 09

Tomorrow will be my last day of psychiatry rotation.
Also exam day.
So I'm now in full panic mode coz it's 10am now. Exam in 11 hours, and I havent study
But it's ok. I have 3 cups of coffee on my table. One down, 2 more.

Not to mention that I still have paper work not done (bloody discharge and transfer summaries!!!), so I still have to go back to the office tomorrow to finish them up. Then I'll have to rush home, pack and try to catch my flight!

On a happy note, my preceptor has filled in my evaluation and I'm rated "excellent" Wahahahaha

Cognitive distortions.......

........are scary

I'm 24 years old soon but I'm still like a kid. I still have not learn to stand up for myself. I dont even know who I am half the time (think Erikson's stage 5: Identity vs role confusion). That sucks eh?

I havent blog for a while, coz I'm going through a rough period. It hurts to realise that I have not been handling my life as well as I thought I have. It's scary to face the inner me and to accept that I'm too weak to do everything on my own. I have bad bad coping strategies, and it's time I learn some new skills. And no, no matter what I think, I dont know it all. It was time I get help.

I'm seeing a psychologist. Once a week. It will be long term. So far so good.
I'm feeling horribly anxious to leave her and the rest of my emotional resources to go back to Brunei. What if I have another meltdown? I'm scared. I dont wanna leave, but I know it's time I tried standing on my own feet. Brunei will be a complete crazy drama (too many freaking problems), but I have learned better coping strategies *cross fingers*

It's funny how I thought I was doing ok, and I thought that I wascoping well, but apparently, I was simply in denial. Instead of solving problems, I have been avoiding them and somehow I had managed to convince myself I'm fine when obviously, my mental health is not ok. Ironically, this helps when I talk to my patients, coz I really do understand how they feel.


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On the other hand, this will be my final week of my psychiatry rotation. I'm going to miss it SO much. Very stressful and emotionally exhausting, but I love it!

I'm going to do a full psychiatry assessment in Cantonese on Thursday. I'm definitely feeling nervous about it because even my mandarin is so sucky that I dont think I can do it in Mandarin, and now, I have to do it in a language I've never used in my life (except when I go dim sum with friends)!

It's really my fault. I dont have to do it, but when one of my supervisors asked me, I just couldnt say no, coz 1- I'm curious about doing an assessment in a different language, and 2-I still have not learned to say no to people.

Wish me luck, peeps.

--_--"

I wish I can wake up from this nightmare :(
Why push me to be someone I'm not? How can so many things change in one hour?
I'm tired

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anyway, Happy Birthday :)

Toronto part 5

This will be my last batch of Toronto pictures. Huhu~
Just random pictures + Toronto Tower

Toronto Zoo yo (part 4)

Isnt that cool? Huhu~ Rupanya snakes see me like that when I pose in front of it.

Glabers!!! (the name of our class)

One of my phobias - just looking at the picture raises my anxiety to 3/10

kns, right? show me the butt nia

nope, I didnt go on the ride coz 1)the ride was not available, 2) I dont want the camel to die under my weight. Hahahaha