Lizzy...

...... is flying to Toronto tomorrow.

Two weeks of general surgery. I'm ready to suffer

Halfway through packing already! And sooooo sleepy..

I'll be staying at a room in an apartment owned by a guy introduced by the housing coordinator I contacted through the University of Toronto website. We'll be sharing bathroom and kitchen. I hope it wont be too much trouble.

The best part is the location. The bus stop is very close to the apartment, and it'll only be a 10 minutes ride, so that would be awesome.

Hopefully the internet is ok there, so that I can blog again soon!

I hope I'll love Toronto :)
I cant wait to sit by the lake and daydream. Perfect!



Another thing -
Not sure if it's a happy or sad thing.
I was driving just now, and I saw a black RX-8 (exactly like his car) at the traffic light, and my first thought was "Jevon". Jevon is a classmate who also drives the exact same car. I only remember him after 5 seconds.
I'm surprised. A car that used to make my heart skip a beat everytime I see it (regardless of whether I'm in Brunei or in Canada), but now it doesnt even mean much more than remind me of a classmate. Hmm.

cant wait to...

...say bye bye to neurosurgery!



I'm tiredddddddd la.
I'm on call again today. And it sure makes a big difference when someone complimented on a job well done, instead of taking it for granted that the job has to be well done.

It's funny how much we improve without realising it. Two weeks ago, I took 6-7 hours to do 2 consults, but today, I took 3 hours to do the same thing (maybe coz this is neurosurgery, not just neurology).

The past 3 days have been awesome.
I met a super nice neurosurgeon, who always has a smile and a wink for everyone. I just love doing clinics with him, coz I learned so much without feeling bad about not knowing enough. And I learned a lot of new stuff with him too - suture my first baby head, dictating note by phone.

So again, having someone nice to work with makes a BIG difference.

Just 2 more days of neurosurgery and I'll be on to Toronto to do 2 weeks of general surgery! I hope I'll have enough time to study my notes of general surgery, maybe while on the plane (4 hours flight).

GAMBATTE, LIZZY!!!!!!!!!!

weekend

I had a (relatively) fun weekend!

When I woke up on sunday, I peeked out my tiny window (I lived in basement), and realised that my car is gone!!!
Well, actually, just covered in snow. Haha.

I bumped (yes, bumped) into my housemates when I went upstairs to get food, and they were about to go grocery shopping, so I offered to drive.

The snow was more than a feet high on my car, so that was an adventure.

I got a little lost (stupid GPS), so we ended up taking a tour of COP (Canada Olympic Park - Winter Olympics in 1984, and now just a place to ski or snowboard).
And then it turns out that the grocery store was near to a factory outlet, where they sell branded stuff at much cheper prices, so we ended up shopping first instead!

Then we had dinner at Red Lobster. Yummy yummy food. The mashed potato and lobster was super delicious, although wickedly expensive. I also had a glass of margarita that was super yummy, except that I dont handle alcohol well, so I didnt finish.

And when we got home, my car was stuck in the snow -.-
So my housemates have to push the car into the parking space. That was quite an adventure.

I'm sleepy...
And I'm too lazy to wash the car myself.

dead > alive

If I thought neurology is hard, it's nothing in comparison with neurosurgery.

*sigh*
This week, I've done 75 hours.
I stayed till 2am this morning. I'm supposed to stay till 7-8am, but I really am tired, physically and mentally and emotionally.

I started at 6-630am every morning, and I stayed till 6-7pm each day. I have to do 2 calls day. I stayed till midnight once, and this morning till 2am.

Let me out!!!!!

The exhaustion is not from workload. It's not from the hours I've done. It's from feeling stupid. It's from being around people who makes you feel stupid, and people who simple are NOT nice to you.

"Nice" is such a frivolous word. We used it all the time. It doesnt seem to mean much, until you met people who are simply not nice.
I feel so naive. As if I'm still stuck in my fairy tale life in Brunei. I burst into tears everytime someone is not nice to me.

Only in my imagination!

This is only my 3 weeks of clerkship, and I've burst into tears 6 times.
4 times this week!
Once when a surgeon got mad at me for doing something I didnt know I shouldnt do. No one has ever shouted at me like that before :(
Once when a nurse was being very rude at me and a doctor who passed by saw it, gave me a tiny smile and told me quietly "dont let [the nurse] scares you"
Once when I bumped into one of my *closer* classmates and burst in tears when she asked me how I'm doing.
Once yesterday when I couldnt answer a simple question from a doctor, and another doctor told me quietly that there'll be harder doctors, and this one is already one of the good ones.

And one more time now - I cant stop the tears everytime I think or talk about this.

I tried to be strong. I hate every moment of it, but I have no choice. Life has to go on. So I told myself I can't cry. Always at the level slightly below the threshold, so when something or someone pushes me a bit more, I'll be in tears.

I dont wanna put too much details here, coz I dont wanna get into trouble.

You just have to stand up each time.

I really dont know how much longer I can handle this. So much to think about, so much to consider. I've given up so much to be where I am today, only to find out that I dont wanna go on anymore.

Very pathetic, really.
I'm not so young anymore. But I have nothing to show for my past 23 years.

A friend told me that I really am not suited for this job. He said I'm too girlish (an insult, ok). He wished me all the best, but he's one of those people who believes in saying the truth even if it's insulting to the other person. I appreciate that, especially when I know he's right. He said he think I'm more suited to do things like interior design. Haha.

I dont have enough dedication and passion for this.
I dont have the brains for it. I dont have the personality, the spirit and the attitude.

At the same time, I dont have the courage to give up now as well. I dont even know why. If I wanna stop now, my parents will be supportive. I'm not in any financial problem.
All I have to do is to say "I dont wanna continue anymore". No one will be mad at me. I dont have any burdens in life. I dont have anyone under my responsibility.

So easy.
But for the rest of my life, I'll be slightly mad at myself, for giving up, for wasting so much time, for letting people down, for giving up so much for something that I actually dont even want.

I'm tired. I think I'll go and watch "coraline" later.

I wish I have someone here to hug me, wipe my tears, and tell me everything will be alright.

more pictures!

Just going through the pictures I dl-ed from my dad's camera. And found a few pictures to share with you guys. Very random.

A few of these *stuff* on top of the gate of our house.

I was speechless when I went back home few months ago and saw them.
-.-



My dad, and my cousin's kid (Winnie), my late grandma and cousin.
My dad adores her. He always bring her out for ice cream, and he's the only person she would kiss on the cheek.

My 23rd birthday.
My sis bought me a cake.

Taken last summer when my auntie elizabeth came to Brunei from Calgary with her daughter, Anastasia.

My sister's 19th birthday in Sheraton hotel ballroom.

My sister's friend. I forgot his name. Hmm.
He's been in my MSN for a lot of years but we rarely ever chat. And I've never met him till last summer.

Yummy desserts at Sheraton!

Early morning hiking at Bt Ambok with my parents and sis

The guy in red (picture below) is supposedly some chinese God/deity who took over the guy's body for the occassion. Apparently he can tell you if you're encountering or about to encounter bad things, and may provide some advices or amulet, or techniques to deflect the dark (?) aura.

Chinese culture are just so colourful. So wonderful.

I dont really know what this particular occasion was about. My parents brought us there and we just follow whatever instructions we were given.

The part I remember the most is when we all have to drink water from the same cup that he's drank. And they kept re-using the same cup for other people. Yuck! Imagine all the diseases you could have contracted, but I dont wanna make a scene by refusing.

While waiting for our turns, I said a lot of disrespectful stuff with my sisters. A lot of cheesy comments and stupid discussions.
Maybe because we're all non-believers. So the whole thing is like circus to us. I know I shouldnt have, but at least I wasn't too loud (I hope).

to Jocy!!

the higher part of the rollercoaster ride

Finally, it's Friday again.

Well, today is officially my last day of neurology elective :(
I do LOVE neurology (no sarcasm k). There's something about neurology that just *makes sense* to me.
And my preceptor evaluated me as "excellent" :D What a miracle. I need to celebrate!

My next elective is two weeks of neurosurgery. I know! Neuro again.

But I heard bad news from a classmate who've just finished his neurosurgery elective. He said he slept 3 hours each day on average, coz it's a very busy department


So, rounds start at 630am each morning (what????!!), so he would arrive at the hospital at around 530 or 6am to do some work before rounds. And the earliest time he has ever gone home is at 7pm -.-
Sometimes he went home at 10pm, 12 midnight or 2am, then went back to the hospital at 6am.

So I'm expecting two horrible weeks ahead.
Dont be surprised if I either blog too much or dont blog at all.


On to happier things:

Silas (my *new* car) is awesome.
Before I bought the car, I told myself I shouldnt put too much feelings into it (the way I do Tristan), coz I'll have to sell it next year (My current plan is to take a year off after graduation - maybe go travelling, or do research in UBD).

But as usual, I always fall in love with things/people I shouldnt love (haha)

And jocy, I know how you feel.
Everytime I go back to Brunei, I'll hug first my mum, then my supra, and lastly, my grandma. And of course, I spent the longest time hugging my car.
My mum and sis think I'm crazy, but love is unexplainably crazy :D

I've shed quite a bit of tears for that car. Maybe mostly for the memories in that car, but also for the car itself (or maybe I just cry too much).


Hm. I wonder if I should apply to do neuro when I go back to Brunei in July to do my electives. My original plan is to do General Surgery (my first love) and maxillofacial surgery (just for fun). But I think I might wanna do more neurology (Do they have a neurology department in ripas? Or is it just neurosurgery department?)

Bad day (too many of those)

I'm just so bloody tired! Although when I think back, I didnt really do much.

I continue to skip lunch each day. I just have no time if I wanna do a good job with each patient, but I always have juice in my bag.
And when I reach home each night (usually after 7pm), I'm too lazy to cook a good dinner. Instant noodle saja la.

I had a new preceptor yesterday.
Very different style. Took me some time to adapt -.- I'm working longer hours too.

Today is a bad day. Saw a very uncommon disease -.-
Speechless when preceptor asked questions. I'm still blur when he gives answers.

Did a consult on a coma patient *sigh* No idea what I should have done. No idea how to intepret EEG.

It's been about -25 degree for the past two days. Super cold. I cant even felt my toes anymore when I waited for the bus.

To top off the bad day, I was given warning by the transit (public transport) security because I didnt realise that I've gotten onto the train without bringing my pass with me! The fine was $150. Super unlucky, coz two rare events occur at one time (1- I forgot my pass, 2- a surprise check by the security). At times like this, you cant help but wonder which deity is playing tricks on you.

Then usually I have a ton of *homework* to do. So before I sleep, I've to look for research articles for issues that have come up today. And just for today, I've 7 journal articles to read, about 6-8 pages each.

It's been quite hard on me, coz talking to most people (like my mum) is pointless coz they wont understand the medical stuff, the tension, the challenges everyday (untreatable disease, communicating with patient, handling family members - have to be nice, be smart, be professional, be empathic, be keen, be firm, be caring, be strong, .... so many things to balance at one time, and it zaps the energy out of you very fast).
And other clerks are going through the same thing as me, so we're all tired.

So the best thing is probably to blog. I can say what I want. I dont really know who's reading. I dont really know if anyone understand, but I felt like I've *talked* to someone. And it's good to think that there must be someONE (just one is enough) who'll understand.

Silas

I'm super happy today!

I got a car too! *yay*
Also secondhand :D Coz I dont think I'll stay in Calgary after I graduate.
I just need a car to do some of my rural rotation, some of which are up to 3 hours outside of Calgary.

Well, it's a black 2007 Chevrolet Cobalt. Not sure if there's any in Brunei.



I'll be picking the car up on Wednesday, so I'm super excited!

I've also decided on a name - Silas (pronounced as sai-las). It's of Latin origin. I just love the name from the time I saw it in Dan Brown's famous "Da Vinci Code" novel. Silas is not a good character in that book/movie, but it's a pretty name.

I originally wanted to name it Eros (which is the Greek version of Cupid's name), But I think it's a bit weird to name a car after the Greek mythology God of Love, so my *new* secondhand car's name will be Silas. Maybe I'll name my next car Eros.


It took me so long to finally buy a car, coz I couldnt decide what car I wanna get.
When I found this black 2-door, I just love it so much. It has some resemblance to my supra. It's quite new (2007), still under warranty, and it's relatively cheap too! Of course it's slow la, but that's ok. Cant drive fast in Canada anyway.

I love my dad. When I called him to talk about the car, he's like "Sure, buy whatever you like. Just ask for money from your uncle". So sweet~~
And my mum was the one who kept pushing me to get a car asap.


Next week, I'll be with a different preceptor. I'll spend my Sunday (ie tomorrow) studying. Cannot let my first preceptor throw face.

weekend is here!!

Finally it's Friday!!!
I've been soooooo busy.

My legs are still hurting from too much standing and walking (sometimes running) around the hospital. I didnt even have lunch today. No time. I wasnt hungry anyway.

I find that, although I'm not exactly passionate about my job, I do enjoy it. Very challenging. And most importantly, working in the hospital is what we all want when we started medical school (though there are times it sucks, like my last post).


Sz: Well, I guess clerkship is a bit like internship. I'm not sure what interns do. But as clerks, we have to rotate through the major departments (paeds, psych, internal, surgery, anaes, ER, obs&gyn, family, electives).

We have to see our own patients, take history and do physical exam, then present the case to the attending doctor (including our impressions, differential diagnosis, future plans for the patients, investigations, treatment). We'll be evaluated by the end of each rotation, and also sit for a written exam each time. Have to pass both.
Is this also what you guys are doing now?

I have to do about 13 months of clerkship. Then I'll be graduating as a Dr, with an MD (same as your MBBS). The next step is to apply for whatever specialisation we want. No housemanship or internship.


This is only my first week as a clinical clerk.
I feel like I'm on an exponential learning curve.
There's so many things to learn, and I'm glad my preceptor is an awesome teacher. He's not too nice and not too cruel. Just the right balance.
Also an excellent doctor. I'm always amazed at how good, how fast and how accurate he is. I'm already a big fan.

And thanks, Jocy. I appreciate the offer. No worries. I'll usually be ok after a night sleep.
If things go really bad, you'll hear from me though :D

a day of super ups and super downs

Today is my second day of clerkship.

It's a very......hmm... (?) interesting day.

It started out great. I met Ken in our neuroradiology seminar. It was nice to see a friendly face. Then I found out the reason why I'm not attached to the main hospital, and why my preceptor didnt know I exist until the morning I paged him.
I was upset for a while.
But hey, it's ok to be different. I can accept challenge. So I let that go.

Then I went to see my patient. Things were great. I met a really nice chinese nurse who thought I'm Japanese (Later in the day, a bus driver also thought I'm Japanese).

Then my preceptor told me to see another patient.
That's when my nightmare starts. I dont think I can discuss what happened, but I left pretty soon, and spent ~an hour crying in a corner table in the cafeteria after that. I just take off my white coat and my name tag. Luckily there's not many people. And it's probably not unusual to see people crying in the hospital anyway.

I wanted to leave the hospital and find someone to talk to, but I have to meet my preceptor in about an hour (after lunch).
I think, if I get to leave and meet someone in the admin, I'll probably told them that I wanna quit right now. It was that bad (and super traumatic for me). I just cant handle the emotions.

So - to distract myself from crying, I just tried to do some work from my first patient. It doesnt really work. Haha. I was still crying, but at least I did get some work done.

Actually, my preceptor saw me when I was crying. He was probably walking towards his car. He just said hi and continue on his way. I'm quite glad he didnt stop and question me. I wouldnt have stopped crying if he did.

Anyway, in the afternoon, things were great. I get to see another new patient. I think I did relatively well. I really enjoy clinics. I dislike wards.

I'm well aware that I'm not awesome by any stretch of imagination, but I think I've improved since yesterday. That was great. For me.

Anyway, I'm glad I got over the urge to tell an admin person I wanna quit school right away, but I'm also aware that I'm not strong enough emotionally for this job.
If anything like that happens again (and it most likely will), I dont think I can tough it out again.

11:11

This is ridiculous.

A guy in Toronto is going to appear in court and will face fine up to CAD$2000 for driving at 250kph.
And the police who stopped him said he has "never heard of a speed this high".

What??!!?!?

And although I'm usually more of a 180-200kph kind of person, 250kph is not surprising , especially when I was challenged by other drivers.

But I was only fined B$50 once for speeding. No court. Thank God.

Anyway. I just think it's kinda *cute* that driving at 250kph in Canada can get you into the news.


----

Back to life, and stuff like that

I passed my final exam *phew* That was scary.
Now I'm an official clinical clerk. *Applause applause (Hey, I deserve it. I never thought I'll make it this far) And then - graduation May 2010 (if I dont fail)!

For the first 6 weeks of clerkship, we get to choose our own elective.

Dont ask why, but I chose to do Neurology for the first two weeks (this and next week).
I wish I have chosen to go back to Brunei, and have a 6 weeks *holiday* instead. But no, I was being smart. I wanted some experiences actually working as a clerk (instead of just hanging around trying to be invisible in ripas).

It takes ~ 1 hour bus time to get to the hospital I'm currently attached to.

The stupidest thing is I could have at least chosen something with no on-call time. Neurology expected me to do at least 3 night calls :(

I should sleep. Tomorrow will be a looooooooong day~

<3

One last exam before Clerkship - wish me luck :D